Friday, January 20, 2012

Child Disability Terminology Primer - for those who don't have a clue what we're talking about

  • ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act): This is what those morons do who illegally park in handicap parking spaces.
  • AFOs (ankle-foot orthotics): Lesser known martial arts weapon designed to inflict maximum body damage on the parent or caregiver of a disabled child when they're spasming and kicking the #$%^ out of you.
  • CP: Some say this stands for Cerebral Palsy. It's pronounced See-Pee on account of that's what the parent does for the rest of their life, well that and the chunky brown stuff too.
  • CVI (cortical visual impairment): Loss of vision caused when the eyes work OK but the brain doesn't. Most commonly seen in parents of children with brain injuries when the parent leans over to kiss a child in a wheelchair thereby triggering the child's startle reflex resulting in parent's eye being gouged.
  • DAFOs: Slightly more Deadly version of the aforementioned AFOs.
  • EI (Early Intervention): Government program designed to keep parents from strangling the so-called experts who think they know more about their child than they do.
  • FAPE (Free and Appropriate Public Eduction): This is what happens to special needs children at school. They get Faped by the other kids who think it's fun to bully them. Of course, the teachers do nothing to protect the child and sometimes engage in a little faping themselves because, after all, FAPE is mandated by the government.
  • Friends: Something you used to have.
  • Fundoplication (or Fundo or Nissen): A surgical procedure designed to prevent the child from barfing all the time. It comes from the Latin phrase for Funds Depletion.
  • GERD (GastroEsophageal Reflux Disease): For the rest of us it's called heartburn but, for the disabled child, they give it a bigger, fancier name so they can charge the parents hundreds of dollars a month for what the rest of us pay $10.
  • Head of Household: Your new income tax filing status after your spouse bails because he/she “didn't sign on for this”.
  • HBOT (HyperBaric Oxygen Therapy): One of the more creative ways of putting additional pressure on families with a severely disabled child. The theory is that if they squeeze you enough they can get more money from you.
  • HIE (Hypoxic-Ischemic Encephalopathy): Technical term for brain damage due to lack of blood and oxygen. It's what happens when your doctor screws up while your baby is being born. It comes from the Latin phrase, Not My Fault. One of the many causes of cerebral palsy.
  • IEP (Ignored, I mean Individualized, Education Plan): This is a document that supposedly describes what your special needs child will be doing in school all day. A group of experts employed by the school district comes together once a year to make guesses as to what your disabled child will be doing a year from now. They then list highly specific and individualized therapies and procedures to assure the child actually achieves that and put them in a document that suspiciously ends up looking the same as everyone else's IEP. They then mail copies of the document to everyone who promptly ignore them.
  • IFSP (Individual Family Service Plan): This is the baby brother to the IEP. It takes a lot of practice to really foul up an IEP so, prior to your child being old enough for school, they get to practice for 5 years while your child is still a preschooler.
  • Insurance: Your new full time hobby after your company realizes your child is a million dollar baby and takes advantage of every loop hole.
  • I Love You: Something other parents get to hear from their child.
  • Legally Blind: A condition that causes stupid adults to approach a disabled child's parent and say, “I don't know if you know this but did you know your child can see?”
  • Mic-key: A plastic, button looking, thing that is inserted in a hole in the child's stomach wall. It is designed to do 4 things.
    • 1) Connect a feeding tube to the child.
    • 2) Give the child something to yank on so, once pulled out, they can spray stomach contents on everyone and everything.
    • 3) Trick the parent or caregiver into thinking the feeding tube is firmly attached thereby assuring maximum spilling of sticky pediatric formula.
    • 4) Allow the child to make cool fart noises through their belly button.
  • NickJr: The only TV station you get to watch for the next 20 years.
  • NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit): Pronounced Nick-You on account of that's what they do to your pocket book.
  • NPO (Nothing By Mouth): It's the Latin equivalent of nothing by mouth but, if they just said nothing by mouth they couldn't charge you as much.
  • PT, OT, and all the other ___Ts. A form of therapy designed to leave your pocket book empT.
  • Quad: Short for quadriplegic. This doesn't mean the person is paralyzed in all four limbs. It can also mean the child kicks and punches the #$%^ out of you when you try to get them dressed because they can't control their spasms.
  • R-word: This is something, that if you say it, some parent is going to bitch slap you. For the uninformed, we don't say retarded anymore because of its association with that most awful of insults, calling someone a “retard”. We now say intellectual disability or cognitively impaired.
  • Ramp: Something you put in the front of your home to alert your homeowner's association to watch you extra closely for creative ways to fine you. Also used to alert criminals that your home is an easy mark.
  • SBS (Shaken Baby Syndrome): An argument in support of capital punishment.
  • Seizure: This is what they do to your home and personal property when you can't pay your child's million dollar medical bills.
  • Sleep: Something you don't get anymore.
  • Spastic: One of the positions parents assume when they get their child's latest medical bill or denial in the mail every day.
  • SSI: A religious cult that believes someone with a higher cost of living due to a disability can live on $700 a month.
  • Toothbrush: A device designed to make tube fed children vomit immediately prior to their school bus arriving thereby assuring the child always wears a clean set of clothes to school.
  • Trach: Similar to the aforementioned Mic-key but it's used to connect a breathing tube/ventilator rather than a feeding tube. It comes with the added benefit of depriving the parent of sleep because you have to suction slime from your child's airway every few minutes 24 hours a day so they don't choke to death.
  • Vent: This is what the irate parent does when the stupid caregiver doesn't know how to operate the child's ventilator and is too proud to admit it.
  • Wheelchair
    • 1) A device designed to instantly widen doorways and to give your home a custom “lowrider” wainscoted look, that fashionable ring throughout your entire home approximately 12 to 18 inches above the floor.
    • 2) A device designed to double your car payments.
  • Fulfillment: What you now have in place of fun. Not a bad trade, all things considered, because fun lasts a moment and has to be repeated over and over again whereas the fulfillment you get from loving a severely disabled child lasts for eternity.

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE the NickJr one. In fact, it's on the TV in the living room (I'm on the desktop, which is in the room RIGHT next to the living room)